In light of recent errors of judgment by members of government it has been determined that all staff should be made aware of revised guidance on personal expenses:

1) Staff are not permitted to use company money to pay for accommodation beyond that required directly for business. In order to remove all doubt this includes the paying mortgages with salary. Staff are expected to use their savings or take supplementary employment (subject to approval on the grounds of conflict of interest) to fund their lifestyles.*

2) Manure: by-products of grazing animals may only be purchased with company money where required for normal business operations. No authorisation is required for the purchase of modest quantities of bovine manure for sales staff or support staff.

3) Pornographic videos may not be hired by spouses of employees and be claimed on expenses, only by employees themselves for their own use.

4) Plumbing services may be provided on the company account providing sufficient evidence is provided of the problem before hand and 7 days of notice given of any unexpected work.

5) Employees may employ their relatives only where that relative is paid through the off-shore shell account funds normally reserved for bribery.

6) Bribery will no longer be tolerated, instead the practice will be retitled: external non-declared incentives.

7) Due to previous abuse of the system a maximum number of days of ‘away from home’ subsistence may be claimed in one year. This limit is now set to: 400 days per annum.

8) Staff will be expected to hand all gifts to the finance department for placing on eBay. This includes personal presents for the following events/holidays:
– Birthdays
– Christmas (and other religious festivals)
– Weddings (except for those in junior grades or director grade and above).
Income from the sale of these items will be put towards to executive training and development fund maintained by our contractor: Betfair.com

* Acceptable forms of secondary employment not considered a conflict of interest include but are not limited to:
– intimate massage
– private escort services
– sale and distribution of narcotics
– sale and distribution of videos (especially for pornography or blackmail)
Employment which is considered a conflict of interest with company business includes (but is not limited to):
– Fraud
– Organised religion
– Children’s entertainment
– Murder, arson and/or pillage

Please ensure you follow this guidance in future.

Kind regards,

Finance Department

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

A question was posted on DigitalSpy which asked:

“Have there ever been or are there any “Pirate” satellite TV transmissions?”

So I answered and I thought I would share my response here:

It is not always required to have a license to broadcast in your target country, usually only the country broadcast from (this can be used to avoid local broadcast laws for advertising). In my past I have seen rouge transmissions, but they have usually not been pirate TV but illicit communications. More common is illegal jamming of transmissions as a result of political differences between nations, but again this more affects telecommunications than broadcast TV.

While it is possible to broadcast without permission, a satellite operator would rather jam an illicit signal rather than permit it to profit from transmission time which is not paid for. The simplest way to jam a signal is to put up a carrier spike through the offending transmission to prevent reception. It is possible to geographically locate a rogue transmission, but the resources required to do so are great and the timescales required are unpleasant. Satellite owners do not allocate such resources lightly because it would cause a great deal of disruption to their infrastructure. Usually jamming a rogue signal is enough to discourage illicit transmissions, this can be done cheaply and effectively.